Apparently, if we can learn anything from sci-fi and fantasy, it's that airplanes and spacecraft crash into monster-infested places like moths into flame. All flight plans should be adjusted accordingly. Dinosaurs are like giant plane-magnets.
I was at a bar with some friends over the weekend, and Jurassic Park 3 was on television. I'd never seen it before, so I'm sure I missed some of the plot's intricacies; there was no sound on the TV and I was drinking Fat Tires like it was Friday night (because it was). I think I got most of the overall concept, though. A group of people crash-land in Jurassic Park. Hijinx ensue. That's about it.
As for Jurassic Park itself, why the military hadn't pulled a Dresden on that abomination after the first movie was beyond me. A fellow bar-patron informed me that, in the series, nobody in the public really believes in the events of the first movie. This bothered me, because people often believe in shit more ridiculous than an island full of cloned dinosaurs. This has resulted in more than a few wars.
Besides, if there were a place like Jurassic Park, it would be a military wet-dream. Not because evil army scientists would want to convert the dinosaurs into military weapons (though this would rule, see: Dinoriders) but because dinosaurs are the perfect enemy to encourage a popular incursion.
Consider:
1. Dinosaurs are not protected by the Geneva Convention.
How awesome is that? All dinosaurs lack uniforms, command structure, and a recognized sovereign nation. They are ALL illegal combatants. So, troops, have fun! Turn up the Korn on your iPod and light up every goddamn native you see. No messy trials or paperwork. Put them on leashes and kick 'em around. Put panties on their heads. Nobody cares. Waterboard that veciloraptor all day long. It will never talk, so keep doing what you love.
2. Dinosaurs don't build IEDs.
That's right, a dinosaur will run right at you, snapping its teeth and roaring right up the point you fire an RPG down its throat. These hateful pea-brained bastards don't do any of that pussy guerilla bullshit. They will throw down with you. Even if you're a hulking Marine with a SAW gun and a full backplate tattoo of Yosemite Sam pissing on the Ford logo. They know no fear.
3. Dinosaurs have no religion or ethnicity.
This one's always a plus. You have carnivores and herbivores. All of them must die. They will not take refuge in mosques, form militias, or otherwise be a pain in the ass. They are cold-blooded and godless.
4. Dinosaurs inarguably hate freedom.
Not a single egalitarian democracy has ever been been founded by dinosaurs. They are Darwinian anarchists and have no place in a modern community of nations.
5. Dinosaurs are supposed to be extinct.
Man, nation-building sucks. We're very very bad at it. We are good at indiscriminate killing, however. Jurassic Park need not be liberated. Let's stick to what we do best.
I'm sure you see the wisdom now of declaring merciless open war on Jurassic Park. Write your congressperson today. Thanks.
1 comment:
DINOSAURS ARE PEOPLE TOO!
I am reporting your blog to the People Against the Anti-Dinosaur Association League. PAADAL will SHUT YOU DOWN, sirrah! SHUT YOU DOWN! We'll see who's waterboarding whom before the day is out! Put a velociraptor in your kitchen, and we'll see who's the Big Man now.
(Seriously, this is one of my favorites of your blogs so far. Must redirect to my brothers.)
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