Attack of the Mutants!

Licensing television into books is a scheme dear to the publishing industry, because nothing sells books like TV. I found this strange example in the dollar bin of a Lincoln Square record shop.

Attack of the Mutants is "A THUNDERCATS ADVENTURE" written by Ann Hodgman, who at one point served as the food editor for the magazine Spy. She went on to write several young-adult vampire novels, none of which featured any Thundercats--which is too bad, really. At least that would be something new to do with a pretty tired monster. 

The art credited to "Mones," who I believe is Isadoro Mones, who did covers for Vampirella and Creepy. A quick look at his very 1970s psychedelic and sexy art for this book gives the impression it was not aimed at cereal-munching children, but rather some acid-eating cult of furries. There's a pretty kickass painting of Panthro fighting a giant fire-breathing moth, but you really need to see it full-size to appreciate it.  Trust me on this one.

The USA's Perfect Enemy: Dinosaurs

Apparently, if we can learn anything from sci-fi and fantasy, it's that airplanes and spacecraft crash into monster-infested places like moths into flame. All flight plans should be adjusted accordingly. Dinosaurs are like giant plane-magnets.

I was at a bar with some friends over the weekend, and Jurassic Park 3 was on television. I'd never seen it before, so I'm sure I missed some of the plot's intricacies; there was no sound on the TV and I was drinking Fat Tires like it was Friday night (because it was).  I think I got most of the overall concept, though. A group of people crash-land in Jurassic Park. Hijinx ensue. That's about it. 

As for Jurassic Park itself, why the military hadn't pulled a Dresden on that abomination after the first movie was beyond me. A fellow bar-patron informed me that, in the series, nobody in the public really believes in the events of the first movie. This bothered me, because people often believe in shit more ridiculous than an island full of cloned dinosaurs. This has resulted in more than a few wars.

Besides, if there were a place like Jurassic Park, it would be a military wet-dream. Not because evil army scientists would want to convert the dinosaurs into military weapons (though this would rule, see: Dinoriders) but because dinosaurs are the perfect enemy to encourage a popular incursion. 

Consider:

1. Dinosaurs are not protected by the Geneva Convention.

How awesome is that? All dinosaurs lack uniforms, command structure, and a recognized sovereign nation. They are ALL illegal combatants. So, troops, have fun! Turn up the Korn on your iPod and light up every goddamn native you see. No messy trials or paperwork. Put them on leashes and kick 'em around. Put panties on their heads. Nobody cares. Waterboard that veciloraptor all day long. It will never talk, so keep doing what you love. 

2. Dinosaurs don't build IEDs.

That's right, a dinosaur will run right at you, snapping its teeth and roaring right up the point you fire an RPG down its throat. These hateful pea-brained bastards don't do any of that pussy guerilla bullshit. They will throw down with you.  Even if you're a hulking Marine with a SAW gun and a full backplate tattoo of Yosemite Sam pissing on the Ford logo. They know no fear.

3. Dinosaurs have no religion or ethnicity. 

This one's always a plus. You have carnivores and herbivores. All of them must die. They will not take refuge in mosques, form militias, or otherwise be a pain in the ass. They are cold-blooded and godless.

4. Dinosaurs inarguably hate freedom.

Not a single egalitarian democracy has ever been been founded by dinosaurs. They are Darwinian anarchists and have no place in a modern community of nations. 

5. Dinosaurs are supposed to be extinct.

Man, nation-building sucks. We're very very bad at it. We are good at indiscriminate killing, however. Jurassic Park need not be liberated. Let's stick to what we do best.

I'm sure you see the wisdom now of declaring merciless open war on Jurassic Park. Write your congressperson today. Thanks. 

    

The Warlord's American Fantasy

The Warlord is a bawdy and bloodthirsty comic book spawned from the late 1970s. One of many sword & sorcery titles to come out in the wake of Marvel's successful Conan properties, Mike Grell's The Warlord managed to become something of a standout; for a few years it was DC's top-selling title. What saved The Warlord from the Unforgiving Axe of Abrupt Cancelation? And why do I still get such a kick of reading it today?

The easy answers are A) Because comic readers of the era were mouth-breathing preadolescent geeks easily captivated by prurient trash like The Warlord, and B) I'm not above it, either.  Be that as it may, a slew of other books just didn't hack it. There was no shortage of boobs, beasts, and broadswords in the comic world. Grell created something in The Warlord that set him apart from the rest. It's a ribald picaresque adventure tale, starring an American hardass who (unlike Conan and his brooding ilk) discovers life as a muscle-bound killing machine in fantasyland  is actually a pretty good time. 

The Warlord is Journey to the Center of the Earth meets Tanar of Pellucidar with a soundtrack by Manowar. Lt. Col. Travis Morgan's SR-71 Blackbird spy plane is shot up by Commie fighters, and he bails out over the North Pole, unable to make it to an Alaskan base. Much to his confusion, he parachutes into a jungle. Morgan is soon attacked by dinosaurs, then saved by a sword-wielding barbarian woman. Of course, they fall in love.

 

Morgan's modern mind, mad skills, and a .44 Magnum handgun make him a force to reckoned with in Skartaris. (Skartaris is inside of our own hollow earth, a land of eternal daylight.) Soon, our hero becomes known as "The Warlord," a devil-may-care rogue with a winged helmet and snow-leopard loincloth who fights sorcerers, robots, naturally occurring animals, and other "enemies of freedom" whenever they cross his path. 

Mike Grell refused to draw a map for Skartaris, saying that to define the setting would be to limit it. He didn't mention that people without a map often get lost--and The Warlord is no exception. Still, if ever something was about the journey, it's Travis Morgan's story. He fights lizard men, chases a unicorn, is pursued by CIA assassins, becomes King of Shamballa, and basically lives a continuous series of outrageous events which only lead to more. He's left Earth behind, and doesn't want to go home.  

What are the morals and politics of The Warlord? Honestly, I don't care. I suppose I could do a whole entry about how conflicted I feel about rooting for a muscle-bound military thug who lives a life of recreational violence in world not his own. (The silly moralism of this Slate article is a good case in point.) I don't. Not everything is meant to be an examination of our world. Sometimes fantasy is exactly that. The Warlord knew that it was, above all, supposed to be fun. And in a place like Skartaris, that's okay by me. 

Quit Smoking the Sith Way!

CODE OF THE SITH
Peace is a lie. There is only passion.
Through passion I gain power.
Through power I gain victory.
Through victory my chains are broken.
The Force sets me free.

Quitting smoking means being assailed by one’s addiction. Most methods suggest one stay focused on the positive aspects of being smoke-free, repeating them as a mantra of protection from the demons of withdrawal. Don’t kid yourself. Chances are, if you’re hooked on smokes, you’re not a Buddhist monk. You’re a drug addict. You do not have the will to defeat your enemy through inaction, meditation, and non-attachment. It’s not your style. Using serenity to attain serenity is a paradox—you can’t use what you don’t have to get what you don’t have. The path to quitting smoking is not one of harmony. It is one of conflict. This brings us to part one of the Sith Code.

Peace is a lie. There is only passion.

Yes, it’s true. Peace doesn’t exist in and of itself; it is merely the absence of conflict. When quitting smoking, inner conflict abounds, and spiritual war is unavoidable. Your addiction is not rooted in love. It is rooted in desire. You need a new passion to overcome it, a passion for victory. You must learn to despise your addiction. Once withdrawal begins hurting you, it will become easier to do this. We often hate what causes us pain. Let that hate flow through you, and feel the power of the Dark Side of the Force. This brings us to the next part.

Through passion I gain power.

Passion is your best weapon against addiction. It’s the one you best know how to use. Each minute in which you don’t smoke makes you stronger. Embrace the pain of withdrawal, and transmute it into a passionate hatred of your addiction.

Through power I gain victory.

If you learn to passionately hate your addiction, pure spite will keep you from returning to it. Each day smoke-free is a victory; each victory provides more confidence and pride. 

Through victory my chains are broken.

Once you have felt the pride of victory and the triumph of will over a hated enemy, you will associate smoking with failure and enslavement. Your spiritual bondage to nicotine has been broken. 

The Force sets you free.